Preface

Those who have followed my writings over the years know that I tend to focus on those aspects of life that bring us the most difficulty. It has always been my hope that, by doing so, someone will stumble across my writings while dealing with an issue of their own and find some insight or solace (and to that end I sincerely thank those of you who have contacted me to let me know that I have, in fact, succeeded in that goal to some degree). The time to bring that dialogue full circle has finally come. Fair warning, I feel it only right to take into account that people have started reading my writings at varying points over the past few years and, as a result, should highlight some of the key aspects of my writings.

Introduction

I have seen the darkest recesses that my mind can conjure, stumbling through an abyss wherein pain and sorrow run rampant. An existence cruelly governed by a twisted combination of anxiety and depression whose sole aim was, I have no doubt, purely destructive. I have floated along in a state of numbness and contentment, the world seemingly nothing more than a pale blur experienced through the eyes of someone else. The feeling of emotions being unattainable and out of reach, yet the desire to grasp those emotions stinging much like the cruel whip of a madman. I have also experienced the sheer joy of living life. The happiness brought by simple pleasures as well as the complex mechanics of human interaction that bring about the marvel that is, in and of itself, pure blissfulness. We all experience these feelings in varying degrees across random stages of life (not to be confused with a purely linear progression as described above, though it is entirely possible). While my aim has been to approach the first two through writing, it would be remiss of me to continue to ignore the latter.

Section One: Darkness

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Few things are capable of destroying a person as completely and effortlessly as a single act of betrayal by someone in whom one has placed implicit trust. Such an act tears a person apart, creating an downward spiral from which many are never able to actually recover. The mind turns upon itself, casting doubt and fear on all actions, thoughts, and especially upon the intentions of others. Self-induced isolation is a common occurrence, and one that only serves to deepen the aforementioned concerns. In essence, the mind becomes its own nightmare, plummeting its owner further toward irrecoverable darkness and depression.

Nietzsche’s words serve a dual meaning in this sense, for the monster that one must battle is not only the manifestation of betrayal that begins the cycle, but actually becomes oneself. It is a self-perpetuating cycle that threatens to siphon away any shred of hope that may be left, cleaving one’s soul and ripping apart one’s mind in the process. For those fortunate enough to eventually overcome the pain and uncertainty that taints all aspects of life after such an event, the world seems a far different place… one bereft of color, of emotion, and even of the potential for simple joys.

Section Two: Numbness

“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” — Rose Kennedy

Darkness eventually gives way to something else, and while at first it seems a relief to no longer feel oppressed by fear and anguish the constant numbness and the creation of mental and emotional defenses against relapsing into the darkness once more creates its own dilemma. In short, the mind seeks to protect itself from further harm by blocking out the ability to grasp any emotion out of the fear that allowing one to once again feel anything more than contentment, anything at all that could remind it of past occurrences, may thrust the mind back into the waiting arms of despair.

The world seems to become nothing more than a blur of pastels. The rich, vibrant colors of life give way way to the dull grey lens of numbness and acceptance. Hope is nothing more than a distant memory, shrouded in a cloak of disbelief that one could ever have felt such a wonderful emotion. Pain is readily recalled, yet seems to be a dull ache that simply does not go away. In time, this phase also begins to lose its hold over the mind, though not without some shred of warmth that manages to slip through the cracks of one’s carefully built defenses.

Section Three: The Light

 

“Perfect courage is to do without witnesses what one would be capable of doing with the world looking on.” - François de La Rochefoucauld

 

It is in that moment, when one’s defenses are tested and found lacking, that one of two actions will be taken: withdraw and repair the defenses, or find the courage to once again step out onto the path that one once walked. There are few things so difficult in life as the simple act of opening oneself up to the world, however slightly, and slowly breaking down the defenses one has taken such pains to erect.

Suddenly a sea of emotions threatens to drown the mind, pushing it to the brink of insanity. It grasps for every possible hold on such “rediscovered” emotions as compassion, hope, and even love. The threat of relapsing into the darkness grows greater as actions and words are over-analyzed and perceived to mean more to the mind’s sharply reawakened senses. The reminder of the mind’s recently collapsed defenses help bring the over-emotional attachment to every act of kindness and friendship back in check, yet also threaten to disguise those signs of sincere interest from others. It is, in this state, that the long journey through the abyss comes to a close and the mind is reunited with the body upon the journey that is living. While the wounds and scars of such a voyage will never fully disappear, the enlightened mind is able to understand far more than it ever thought possible.

Reflection

Eventually the complexities of the mind give way to the realization that the simple things matter more than previously thought. For instance, the joy of walking through the rain in the company of a friend is a feeling that cannot be replaced through philosophical discovery and thought. The sheer pleasure of lying on a blanket and gazing, unobstructed by urban lights, into the stars while discussing any topic is easily forgotten in the hustle of modern life. The warmth of being pressed against another on a cool, Autumn night and roasting marshmallows over a fire, or curling up under a blanket in the arms of a significant other… all examples of the simple pleasures of life that bring us the most joy, and yet are the easiest to forget when lost in self-reflection or, even worse, denying our hopes and dreams due to the fear of repeating mistakes.

In the end there is only one thing we can be somewhat certain of: whether we go through life thinking we have complete, moderate, or no control over our fate does not matter. We have one life given to us, and it is we who must choose whether to pursue those things that bring us joy or to hope that joy finds us.